What’s Wrong With Me?

Whenever I go somewhere without my kids I find myself continually checking my handbag.  I have this constant sense that something’s missing.  I continually audit myself: phone? wallet? keys?  yep.  And then I do a mental check of where my kids are at: Big one at school, will catch the bus in half an hour. Little one at a friend’s house – I really should pick up a thank you gift.

My recent trip to Brisbane for my super exciting radio interview with Richard Fidler (ooh la la!) had me feeling completely unnerved but for a few reasons you may not expect.

I missed my kids.  

I wanted them there.  I needed their innane chatter, their ongoing commentary and their tedious observations.  My kids constant chatter has become part of my life – a kind of reliable static that grounds me and has become part of my own inner chatter.

I missed their wild squeals (that I would normally shoosh) as the plane took off.

I missed their embarrassing questions about people on the train.  “Why does that man have one leg?”

I missed their soothing noises before my interview.  “You’ll be right Mummy and afterwards can we get an ice cream?”

And I missed other things too.  I missed being able to share the excitement with them.  I missed pointing out the pretty things on Brisbane’s SouthBank.  I missed that the people I met in Brisbane didn’t get to meet my kids.

I missed their little feet.  Weird I know it – but I love their feet.  I love watching how they grow – how this one has feet like me and that one has feet like her dad.  I love the tiniest toe and the shape of the biggest toenail.

I missed their energy and found myself drinking coffee to give myself an edge.

I missed their ability to thrust me into the present moment by stopping to notice their shadow or an army of ants.

I missed the warm floppiness of their morning cuddles.

Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed the time away.  I loved just having myself to worry about.  I loved not having to talk someone through every single moment of the airport experience.  I loved the little drinky I had while I waited at Gate 7 in Canberra Airport and I loved that for twenty-four hours I was the special guest and things were actually all about me!

It just surprised me is all, how much I missed them.  I spend so much time trying to gain some time away from them, but when all is said and done – they are a part of me.  And I can’t escape that.