What’s Wrong With Me?
12th February 2016
Whenever I go somewhere without my kids I find myself continually checking my handbag. I have this constant sense that something’s missing. I continually audit myself: phone? wallet? keys? yep. And then I do a mental check of where my kids are at: Big one at school, will catch the bus in half an hour. Little one at a friend’s house – I really should pick up a thank you gift.
My recent trip to Brisbane for my super exciting radio interview with Richard Fidler (ooh la la!) had me feeling completely unnerved but for a few reasons you may not expect.
I missed my kids.
I wanted them there. I needed their innane chatter, their ongoing commentary and their tedious observations. My kids constant chatter has become part of my life – a kind of reliable static that grounds me and has become part of my own inner chatter.
I missed their wild squeals (that I would normally shoosh) as the plane took off.
I missed their embarrassing questions about people on the train. “Why does that man have one leg?”
I missed their soothing noises before my interview. “You’ll be right Mummy and afterwards can we get an ice cream?”
And I missed other things too. I missed being able to share the excitement with them. I missed pointing out the pretty things on Brisbane’s SouthBank. I missed that the people I met in Brisbane didn’t get to meet my kids.
I missed their little feet. Weird I know it – but I love their feet. I love watching how they grow – how this one has feet like me and that one has feet like her dad. I love the tiniest toe and the shape of the biggest toenail.
I missed their energy and found myself drinking coffee to give myself an edge.
I missed their ability to thrust me into the present moment by stopping to notice their shadow or an army of ants.
I missed the warm floppiness of their morning cuddles.
Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed the time away. I loved just having myself to worry about. I loved not having to talk someone through every single moment of the airport experience. I loved the little drinky I had while I waited at Gate 7 in Canberra Airport and I loved that for twenty-four hours I was the special guest and things were actually all about me!
It just surprised me is all, how much I missed them. I spend so much time trying to gain some time away from them, but when all is said and done – they are a part of me. And I can’t escape that.